This article is SATIRE. Quotes, attributions and facts are fictional.
LOS ALAMITOS, Calif. — It’s impossible to miss, but if you haven’t heard or seen it, here’s the latest news: unrestricted children take over the town of Los Al with a new form of transportation–a 2-tired electric killmobile that all the Rossmoor “Karens” love.
It’s one thing to have an e-bike, but it’s another to even consider joining the e-bike gang. The president and founder of the group, Cayden Kove, has a prestigious order of rules.
Firstly, you MUST be riding a Surron (you can’t be seen with a Super73 or else you’re just broke), secondly, you must wear the apparel of JNCOS jeans, a black Stussy shirt, and a pair of Birkenstocks, specifically the open-toed sandal so your toes can get crushed by the brakes.
“It’s not a cult or anything, bruh, it’s tuff. If you can’t spend $120 on a pair of jeans, then you might as well just go home,” said Joseph Monner, a member of the cult.
Outside of the Rossmoor In-N-Out, I followed a non-JNCO wearing biker after seeing him physically kicked out by Kove, I asked him what happened: “They saw a Gmail receipt on my phone and saw that I had been buying off-brand Stussy shirts, so they banned me from the group,” said an off-brand Stussy shirt buyer who got booted from the e-bike gang.
The last step in auditioning for the surron gang is obviously knowing how to do a wheelie and a double peg—light work. If it wasn’t for Gathenburg (co-president of the gang), who begged Kove (president of the gang) to lower the standards for the e-bike tricks after over 10 auditioners suffered serious injuries trying them, there definitely would be a lot more kids making trips to the emergency room.
Having an e-bike is extremely necessary for getting around: who wants to wait until they’re 16 and eligible to drive anyway? Plus, actually driving a car and paying outrageous prices for some gasoline is overrated—e-bikes are better for the environment anyway.
And, it’s so much better to ride around the streets of Los Alamitos when you have a group of 20. Cutting off cars in the middle of the street in a big group is much easier by yourself, especially when you’re going 30 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone, because that’s the max your bike goes—cars should surely understand that.
These cars should know better than to honk their horns; they know these kids are just trying to head to the local Target to raid the sports aisle and play with a football that they’re not going to pay for!
But seriously, if you haven’t seen the super serious Surron gang in the neighborhood, just go check your Nextdoor app and you’ll get all the updates you need. I can’t think of a group of people who adore the wheelie-pros more than the grandmothers of Los Al and the middle-aged women who don’t have a kid of their own to worry about.
“Everybody needs to chill (for real), it’s never that deep, bro. We just wanna have some fun, and it’s being ruined by uncs who are pressed that they can’t even fit on a bike anymore,” said Cayden Kove, president and founder of the “Surrons Only” e-bike gang.
To end on a high note about the Surron gang, it’s not all terrible; sometimes they are polite enough to look around for cars when pulling into a street or actually stop at a stop sign instead of blowing right through it.
Stay safe on the streets in Los Alamitos and please try not to run over any members of the Surron gang; they can’t afford to lose any more!
